Empty Inside
by dizi
Summary: One X-man has died and another is grieving immediately after. Can's say more without ruining it. AU, character death (obviously). stand-alone. COMPLETE. Not connected to any of my other stories.


disclaimer: Marvel owns the rights not me.

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Empty Inside  
by Dizi

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I have truly loved only one woman in all my life.

From the moment I met her I knew she was special. I am not sure what our first word were because I was overwhelmed by her. She's beautiful both inside and out. I have always believed that. Even when I was married to someone else, I only really loved her. Of couse, I thought she was dead but that didn't change how I felt about her.

I don't know how I will live without her.

I've been through this before. She's died before. She came back. It's a little hard to believe that could happen again when they had to pry her dead body from my arms.

It wasn't supposed to happen like this. It was supposed to be me. I was supposed to be the one that died. We talked about it. We decided together. I was supposed to be the one at risk. She was supposed to be safe. She quit the team to become what she always wanted to be. A mother.

Why am I alone again?

I am alone. For the first time since she came back to me, I don't feel her. I am incomplete. Empty inside. I know I will never be whole. Part of me has died with her. Again.

We were only supposed to be visiting relatives. Her family is close and wanted to see her while she could still travel. It was an easy pregnancy according to Hank. The risk was minimal. Pregnant women travel that short distance every day. We were only going to visit.

They say there was no way to predict it could happen. No one knows what causes it. Sometimes babies just want to be born early. It happens. There is no why. No reason.

She's just... gone.

It happened so fast. Everything we read said it would take hours. We read about it together. Everything we could find on babies and childbirth. Maybe we read the wrong books because neither of us was ready for this. It was supposed to take longer. We could have been home at the mansion and she would still be alive.

We should be happy and celebrating right now. This is what we both wanted. This is what she waited years for. We both did. It was supposed to be the most beautiful moment of our lives.

Why did we wait? We should have taken every moment. We're X-men and we should know life is short. I should have remembered that more than anyone. She died before and I should never have let myself forget. I was so caught up in the present I forgot the first rule. Never forget the past, learn from it.

I don't remember it being this bad before. Of course, I wasn't married to her then. Our link wasn't as strong. Did I love her as much then as I do now? I can't remember not loving her, so how can I know?

Her last thoughts were how much she loved me and our baby.

How can I do this on my own? I'll have help I know but she was supposed to be the one to care for our child. She insisted on that. She said she'd waited too long to be one of those women who gave their child up to others most of the time. She wanted to be there for every moment. So did I, but it was more important to her.

I've had a child. She shared him with me briefly, but he was mine. She loved him, but he was not her child. This baby was hers and sometimes I felt like I was incidental. Which was selfish and I will always feel ashamed for those thoughts. She understood and laughed about it. I laughed too. Maybe we shouldn't have.

Was it my fault then? Am I being punished for those brief feelings? I don't care what they say, there must be a reason somewhere. It couldn't have been her, she was so careful. It had to be me. Something I did? Something I didn't do? There had to be something because this shouldn't happen without a reason.

She shouldn't be dead without someone being to blame.

Women aren't supposed to die in childbirth anymore. It's just not supposed to happen.

I know I have to go on. Our baby needs me. But she needs her mother too. How am I supposed to get past that? I don't know how I can do it, but know I must.

"Mr. Summers? You can see your daughter now." The nurse's eyes are sad. Sympathetic. Should that make me feel better? It doesn't.

I can see her. I almost don't want to. It's not the way it's supposed to be. She's supposed to be in her mother's arms. It's what she dreamed of.

Some people say their baby wasn't real to them before it was born. I don't really understand that. My daughter was real to me the moment I learned of her existence in her mother's womb. Having a wife who can share her unborn child's thoughts helps too.

She's been real to me for a long time. She's had a name for almost as long as we knew the baby would be a girl. Again we discussed it and decided together. Or we discussed it and I let her name our child whatever she wanted. She was so happy to be passing along reminders of lost loved ones and I liked seeing her happy.

How do I tell our child these things? I am not a naturally outgoing person. I am not one who understands the feelings of others easily. I only know I am going to do my best for our daughter. Somehow.

She's asleep but I feel the need to talk to her.

"Hello, Sarah Anne Summers. I'm your daddy and I want you to know your mommy loved you very much. I'm going to tell you all about her..."

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note:  
For those who don't know, Sarah was Jean's sister who was killed sometime back and Annie was her best friend who's death triggered the awakening of her psi-abilities. I couldn't bring myself to make the baby be Rachel. Sorry. 

I was talking to my friend and fellow author Betty about the whole Emma and Scott thing and said I would never kill off Jean to make room for Emma unless it was in childbirth. I was being sarcastic. But then the idea took hold and I had to write it. Though it doesn't happen often it does still happen and I thought it would be the worst thing I could think of to happen to Jean as she would have been a great mother. Yes, I know she's dead and she and Scott broke up in the books. I don't read those. I stopped at about the time Wolverine lost his adamantium and they were fine then.

You don't have to like it but please tell me what you think.

Thank you for taking the time to read,  
Dizi


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